Snot appeal

IS THERE an accepted etiquette for calling the attention of someone with some unattended matter so easily corrected with a flick of the handkerchief? Is it rude to point out a needed fix, even discreetly?

Maybe some dried mucus is hanging from a single long hair just on the edge of one nostril. No words need to be uttered. Just a hand gesture to mimic clearing the nose of hanging stuff will suffice. It’s a simple snot appeal.

How about when some remnant of salad nicoise has lodged between the teeth of a diner at the table? Can one point a finger to one’s own mouth and mime an up-and-down motion with pursed lips to approximate the needed clearing operation for someone across the table?

This silent communication, even when accompanied by sucking sounds, may leave the object of concern clueless and even a bit annoyed, reacting too loudly — Are you having a hemifacial spasm?

Or is it preferable to softly murmur to the subject — there’s lettuce caught in your teeth. Even when the delivery is a stage whisper, others in the table may still catch it and check quickly what’s causing the disturbance before the intended party is given the chance to dislodge the pesky vegetation from his teeth with a drink of water.

The social tightrope involved in alerting somebody on a glaring gaffe can be tricky. One is not always thanked for the concern exhibited. Is it better to leave the job to somebody else and continue sipping your coffee?

Concern over another’s embarrassment is treated like unsolicited advice. (What if it’s posted online?)

Even chosen shoulders for crying on may be needed merely to provide passive comfort by attentive listening. No frank assessments and painful suggestions on what to do next are expected. (Get back the car you gave her.)

Here are some situations where a social alert may be considered rude.

In a broken relationship, is advice by third parties helpful? What should have been done or left undone? It’s too late to go back to that. Other suggestions to try to get some sleep (you’re keeping me awake) and try to move on and pick up the pieces are not really received as startling insights. (Hey, thanks. I didn’t think of those.)

What about a boss that needs to be told he’s on the wrong track? Is he hiring too many high-priced talents to fix the company’s problems? (He’s supposed to be good with AI.) Vehement objections to such a move are likely to invite sarcasm — Of course you can continue serving doughnuts.

Is the leader getting carried away with reckless language and being told by his close-in advisers that “words matter” even when these are delivered just before boarding a plane? Who’s going to rein him in — Boss, can you dial it back a little and stop cursing everyone? Guess who will be asked to leave the plane… in a parachute.

Even chiefs who profess to welcome advice as a way of being grounded are prone to get touchy with frank assessments of their behavior. For instance, when referring to speech patterns that favor expletives, the subject may be helpless in checking himself. An intrusive approach is what responsible adults resort to, which is to watch their words.

Even the timing of the proffered suggestion matters. Given at the heat of the moment, an uninvited criticism of the man in the spotlight is sure to invite a public rebuke.

Calling attention to somebody else’s possible embarrassment can be awkward. It is best to just present the facts (descriptive) without getting into suggested remedies (prescriptive).

Anyway, being straightforward cannot be avoided sometimes. In the case of someone coming out of the toilet to get back to the meeting, there’s no need to be ambiguous. Just cut to the chase in a soft voice: Buddy, your fly is open.

Still, staying out of the loop and minding your own business seems the safest course. Few will rebuke you later with an accusation — why didn’t you tell me? (I didn’t notice.)

Tony Samson is chairman and CEO of TOUCH xda.

ar.samson@yahoo.com