[Two Pronged] My husband’s porn consumption seems extreme

Rappler’s People section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I don’t know if you remember me, but five years ago, we had three video calls. I am Maria, from Turkey. I had a French partner and you helped me deal with him better.

I left my French boyfriend. I now have a husband. He is also French. I also need help with him.

Is it normal — as my husband says and that I should just accept — that he watches pornography all the time? He finishes work at lunchtime and when he comes home and I am cooking, he is watching porn. When he finishes his lunch and I am washing our dishes, he watches porn.

My husband leaves the house before 5 am so he is not late for his work. It starts before 6 am. This is why he is tired so right after lunch, he takes a nap. Before he takes a nap, he watches porn because he says it helps him relax. He even saves many of the pictures he sees. Many of these girls are nude, and some of them are so extreme, with their legs wide open, and their tongues always licking their lips or something that looks like a penis.

I do not like it. But if it is normal, I have to accept it. What should I do? Please help.

– Maria

Dear Maria,

Thank you for your message.

Now that almost anybody can access the internet, pornography is freely available, ubiquitous, and can be viewed anonymously. This has radically altered attitudes towards porn and in many circles it is no longer viewed as negatively as previously.

This is not to say that porn consumption is necessarily harmless. Although in some cases it can satisfy sexual curiosity, alleviate stress or boredom, combat loneliness, heavy usage can on the other hand influence sexual preferences, undermine trust and reduce intimacy in relationships, leading to feelings of inadequacy and even emotional abandonment.

Secrecy surrounding usage is also problematic, though this is not apparently an issue in your case, Maria.

It seems that your husband is quite open about his use of porn. He claims it helps him relax and sleep. Why he saves all those pictures however is perhaps less clear. The question then is: what is your objection to it?

For example, is it a matter of principle for you; do you believe all porn use is by definition bad? Is it that it has altered his sexual habits e.g. he wants to copy what he sees in videos? Is it perhaps that porn has reduced his ardor or increased his desire for novelty?

How has it affected your relationship? Has it changed his attitude towards you and if so, in what way? Has it reduced the intimacy between you? How else does it manifest?

Once you have a clearer idea of the answers to these and any related questions, then you will have a basic framework for another conversation with him about how his use of porn impacts both you individually and you as a couple.

This conversation should be non-judgmental and avoid blame, with each listening to the other’s point of view so as to understand and discern where future boundaries might be established. You might even consider counseling.

If this does not yield a compromise that you find comfortable and acceptable, you will need to weigh the pros and cons. Should he be unwilling to change significantly, are the negatives of his porn use something you can just live with? Alternatively, do they undermine your marriage to the extent that you want to take action?

An open and frank conversation aimed at improving mutual understanding and exploring options can hopefully bring greater intimacy and deepen your relationship.

Best wishes,

– JAF Baer

Dear Maria,

Thank you very much for your letter, and yes, I remember you with great fondness. I am glad you decided to write Two Pronged. This way, Mr Baer’s insights will also be included.

I agree with what he says about trying to understand what porn truly means to you. This would include not only your present — something totally unacceptable, his insisting you both try things he’s seen and insisting you try together things you do not want to? — but also your past — what you observed while growing up, what you were taught, etc.

I feel how I can help you most is to encourage what Mr Baer suggested, which is to explore more deeply “how (his porn watching) affected your relationship? And also “has it reduced the intimacy between you?”

At present, your relationship is unequal; where your husband (let’s call him Nathan) gets to say what normal is, with your having to accept it as normal and therefore, acceptable, because of nothing more than his opinion.

Your writing to Two Pronged shows a step in the right direction: wanting an outside resource to verify your “suspicions” vis-à-vis Nathan’s pronouncement that porn is normal.

For the avoidance of doubt it need not be Two Pronged per se that makes it the correct step, but any other resource that is both evidence-based and clearly distinguishes between science and mere opinion.

Perhaps, a realistically accessible guide for any person to gauge their partner’s “normality” would be the 5-D’s framework professors in Abnormal Psychology share with their undergrad students.

These include:

• Deviance: Is Nathan’s porn watching significantly different from societal, cultural, or statistical norms? Not that being deviant is enough to label something as inherently a disorder. For example, possessing not just Patis Tesoro’s unsurpassed creativity but the grit and hard work to make such designs a reality is “deviant” (but not a disorder). That is the reason she is a national artist and we are not. This does NOT seem a relevant issue in your case.
• Danger: Behaviors that pose a risk of harm to either Nathan or to others (like yourself) e.g. suicide ideation, aggressive violence etc. which would require immediate attention. This does NOT seem a relevant issue in your case (at the moment).
• Dysfunction: resulting in a person’s inability to handle daily life e.g. working or maintaining relationships. This is a relevant issue in your case, as it is affecting the quality of your marriage.
• Distress: The emotional pain, suffering, or anguish the behavior or condition causes the individual. This does NOT seem a relevant issue in your case, because the distress mentioned here refers only to Nathan. One might even comment that distress seems the very opposite of what Nathan feels when he watches porn.
• Duration: How long the symptoms or behaviors have lasted. Temporary emotional reactions to a stressful life event are normal, whereas porn watching that persists continuously over an extended period points toward a clinical disorder. This does NOT seem a relevant issue here since this only focuses on how long your husband has been watching porn, not you.

If you can move beyond asking a credible resource what normal is, and have the confidence to ask yourself what you would consider normal in a marriage, then that would be a bigger/better step towards achieving even better mental health!

That saying, “What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly,” fits your situation perfectly!

You do not have to have an evidence-based, ultra logical reason for not wanting to experience your Nathan’s constant porn watching. Everyone in your barkada (friend group) may think it ok, but the fact that you do not, that it causes you distress, is enough reason to talk about it with Nathan and find a solution acceptable to both of you.

In my clinical experience, a marriage where both partners feel safe because they feel loved is a relationship that does not insist on outside experts to convince the other an issue is worth focusing on.

If it distresses one’s partner, that alone is sufficient reason to try and find solutions that work for you both. All you need to say is “This makes me sad/angry/feel humiliated, please stop” to the partner. Because he loves and respects his wife, he will at the very least try. Nathan is definitely not at that stage yet.

How long you want to wait until he does…IF he does…depends entirely on you. That decision can be difficult. Please remember, dearest Maria, that we are right here to help you make it should you want us to.

Wishing you the clarity and courage to decide what is best for you.

– MG Holmes

Life got complicated? Write to our Two Pronged duo at twopronged@rappler.com.